Taking A Chance

So I took a wild chance these past weeks. I took a chance on someone that I was really afraid to ask out and gamble my pride on the off chance that A) he had a girlfriend or B) he didn't like me. So I got the cajones to ask him out sometime. Before I ever met JM, long before most of the idiots came along in the past year, there was someone I always kinda liked and wondered about within my fencing group. About a year and a half ago, he stopped showing up to our practices. I assumed he was a student at Purdue and moved on, but that wasn't the case when he returned about two weeks before JM came along and became a painful reminder as to why I think dating usually bites ass!

So this guy warrants the use of a name, not a nickname, or initials!!!!!! Adam, very sweet, quiet, smart, intelligent, funny, and about a million other nice things that kinda blank out in my mind. The word stable comes to mind too. I've found this sweet spot in my mind that continues to grow very fond of him and his presence in my life. Oh and he loves cats and that's great too! LOL

We went out last Friday to go see Serenity. He seemed to like it a lot. Got the pseudo cozy bench seat at the theatre and cuddled up. The bench sucked for comfort, but allowed for snuggle-time which was nice. :) YES! Dinner was good, went to LBC, shot some pool at his friend's house, and then saw the movie. After the movie, well, we came back to my place and we watched a few more movies I think. Again, very nice, and he's sweet and cuddly and has a few cute quirks about his belly being scratched. It's kinda fun to have the power to make someone instantly twitch like a sweet spot on a dog that makes his leg thump on the floor uncontrollably. I'm evil, I know, I'm just terrible.

I'm TOTALLY self-conscious about smoking because he doesn't smoke etc-etc-etc. He's fine with it he tells me. Ok. I had my last smoky-treat last night around 8 or so. So far today, things seems to be going ok with the I am trying to quit this nasty habit without bloodshed scenarios! In the meantime, he's very generous and attentive towards me. Offers his washer and dryer to me. Just likes to touch me somewhere, anywhere, so long as he's touching. It's not even annoying, I kinda like it. I could get used to this sort of sweetness on a more daily basis.

Tonight, I think we might take a break and stay in our own beds for a night or two in order to get some sleep. I mean, we've been going to bed after 1 in the morning and getting up around 7 or slightly earlier for myself. Yikes! Neurotically tired, but a good kind of tired. =) Uh-huh. I'm just trying to be mindful of the whole JM disaster and not crowd Adam to the point of making him want to hide. This weekend, we're going to Gallowglass to have a fun fencing seminar weekend and maybe see some sights in Chicago on the way there. FUN! Time for me to go for now.

A Very Content ~ Tammolly ~ =)

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Rules

Made a decision yesterday. After a bit of counsel from a co-worker that happens to have a PhD in therapy and a life of experience in relationship management. I found a path that I felt was acceptable after having lost control of the situation that nearly broke me into pieces and made me absolutely nucking futs for a few weeks. Not that I ever want to be labeled an anal freak and schedule time with someone, but I decided on a schedule of contact or attempted contact where JM is concerned. Call twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays around 5 PM. If he doesn't answer, leave a message as a reminder that I'm still here, still thinking of him and still trying to hang onto hope of some kind. After sorting that out in my head yesterday and following the advice of an office mate, I feel relieved. JM's response was a few IMs while I slept last night, knowing full-well that I was already in bed. It doesn't matter. I have his attention. I will not chase what will run as fast or faster as I can go. I don't want to be like the ex-stalker-girlfriend who violated the poor man's personal space and safety mechanisms. He's lost that bit of control in his life, so I understand the need to have ALL the shots called by him and him alone. It's a terribly frightening place in life to be when stuff like that happens. Scary! Alas, my lunch is almost over and this is me talking out loud and attempting to make some sense out of the mysteries of relationships. Fun stuff!

Tammolly ~ Still breathing.

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Mildly Cornfused Here ~Otherwise Known As The Weekend Adam Didn't Call :)~

I thought maybe I had settled down and calmed about the whole JM thing going wacky for no apparent reason. Maybe if he reads this he'll see. Maybe if he reads all of this blog, he'll understand. I really don't know. I'm at a loss. I finally heard from him, he was drunk and sorry for what he did. Something about getting lost in himself again and feeling scared. Something about how everything in his life that he touches turns to shit and that the only reason he was alive was because of his daughter and how much he loved her. He then said he didn't know what he wanted right now. I said friends, he agreed he needed friends, lots and lots of friends and how he hated being alone. Then told me what a great person I was and how I deserved better than him. I can't see how someone could have been any better. The time we did have together was damn near perfect as it can get. So much in common. So much to laugh about and share. It was great! I was totally taken by his sweetness and charm. I can't say how much it perplexes me to think that taking away my choice in the matter would make it ok for him to run away scared. Shouldn't that be up to me? A part of me wants to walk away from it and be done. The very caring side of my nature says he's worth trying to help sort things out and do whatever it is he needs to get himself to together. Whether it be in friendship or as lovers, it doesn't matter to me. You can't feel so strongly about someone in such a short time and then just walk away when they get a little shaky. I now understand he's been through some emotional hell with a divorce. Our childhoods are so similar that I can utterly relate to the angst and torment that has to be overcome in order to be a well adjusted human being. I find it ironic that whenever a man has something emotionally important to say, it comes after a bottle of choice alcohol has been downed. I have to wonder if he even remembers talking to me on the phone at all. It's very frustrating and I can't help but feel a bit cornfused here. I care so much and think little about myself when it comes to him. I wish he could see that and not be afraid to talk to me about what's really going on in that head of his. I'm not here to pass judgment on another's feelings and emotions. After a year on my job and learning about life on my own, I want something good in my life and I feel at this moment, it is him that I want in my life. Imperfect is ok. Life doesn't have to be perfect and it rarely is in my eyes. I know he's not perfect and neither am I, but I am ready to work things out and help him if I can. He's gotta see that there are people out there that genuinely care about him. I know a child's love is nearly unconditional and that much I think he understands, but can't see there's room for another in his life. I've tried to make it clear to him, but right now, it seems like mud. Alas, I'm gonna try and sleep on this one and hope he sees what I'm trying to tell him. It's ok to be scared, it's ok to be afraid, and it's ok to feel that way. No less a man for crying and more a man to admit what it is he's thinking. GAH! I wish life could be simpler, but it's not sometimes. A poem follows with what I feel to a point. Sometimes fate and others conspire as well as the internal self to sabotage what we want out of life....

Sweetheart

The tyranny of distance,
Oceans in between.
Torn hearts of lovers,
Never to be seen.
Behind closed doors,
The rasping cry of sorrow.
No longer can this happen,
Not after this tomorrow.

The tyranny of distance,
This must be the dream.
Old thoughts of passion,
What could it possibly mean?
Love is not a hardship,
Nor should it bring souls grief.
ItÂ’s a matter of perspective,
Not just belief.

The tyranny of distance,
Joined at the crux.
Two lovers bound,
An ever changing flux.
The music plays softly,
Darling melodies of tenderness.
Never again away in time or place,
Linked forever and never a day less.

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

A Good Week- CRASHED LIKE NASCAR

Well... Somehow life took one massive U-Turn after last weekend. I went from ecstatic to rock bottom and misery in a matter of days. Yeah, you got it. JM- a proverbial chicken shit, ran away after getting the goodies and nary a rhyme or reason why he felt the need to vacate my life like a stealth weasel. Tried calling, at least once a day, IM messages, phone text. Felt that maybe something had happened to him and no way to know. Now, I see his ass on-line, but he's not talking to me. What the fuck? An explanation would be nice! Change your mind? Find someone else to screw? Didn't like the way I have sex? WHAT?!!!!!!!!! Yah know what I mean? Hell, I'd rather hear he thinks I'm a lunatic or that I'm a little too racy or not right for him and his daughter than nothing at all..... It's very chicken shit to run off and hide if you ask me. Maybe if he was an ass, I'd feel better about all the sweet cutesy things he did for me, like make me a home made amaretto cheesecake. Made me feel pretty darn good about myself. Real boost to the ego and I laughed. He had this infectious laugh and sweetness..... And now, gone. Cried a few times, felt like maybe, just maybe things would work out, because there seemed to a great chemistry going on. So what the hell did I do wrong? Or am I just a victim of typical male behavior? It seems the latter is now true, because I feel used and cheap and discarded like old news papers. I'm gonna be ok.... I know I will be ok. I mean... Fuck.... I spent so much time trying to be ok with living alone. Trying to be ok with the fact that sometimes I am lonely, but it won't kill me. Then WHAM! Someone came into my life and it seemed perfect and right and good. Now, I gotta start all over again. Talk myself into that state of mind where I'm not ready to fall to pieces at any given moment. FUCK! This sucks ass.

~A Cranky Tammolly


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin